Friday, January 29, 2016

The Twins came to visit! New Dominion of Brothers book has arrived!!!!




~~ FROM THE BESTSELLING, FIVE TIME AWARD WINNING BDSM SERIES OF MF AND MM MIXED EROTIC ROMANCE~~ 
The Dominion of Brothers Series finally brings you the most anticipated couple: Diesel Gentry and Paris Dalqeaute in—









Dominion of Brothers Series: Book 5

MM / some MMfM, MMMM, & Mf / Erotic Romance / Drama / Action / BDSM – D/s / Explicit Hot Language
Diesel Gentry knows exactly want he wants. Like his brother, he wants a Unicorn, a life slave to surrender her every desire and need to him— who is, in essence and body, the very same woman his brother, Trenton Leos, already possesses. He also wants Paris Dalqeaute.
He had that powerhouse body in his domineering grip once before, but Diesel purposely let the fallen angel slip through his fingers.  Being a Master of Doms within the BDSM lifestyle, Diesel knew he had to set Paris free— thinking and hoping Paris would eventually come back to him, submit to Diesel willingly, and not just because Paris’ job description required him to. After all, Paris had been hired as the director for the fetish and BDSM events down at the island resort Diesel and his brothers owned. Except Paris never did return; while he proved his value to his title, he has also been using his work to hide from Diesel.
It’s been a year now and Diesel’s bed and life have remained empty ever since. It’s time the running stopped.
Finding Paris wasn’t going to be the hard part— breaking down his walls to trust the two of them to commit to a life together was going to be the real challenge.

But even if Diesel succeeds, there is a problem with their future— what’s to come threatens the lives of everyone Diesel loves— and he doesn’t even know it yet.
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Right One 4 Diesel is a part of a series that, until now, has been comprised of largely standalone books. In this next installment to the series, that readability is no longer the case. Right One 4 Diesel is not a standalone read; it is an action-packed novel that does not allow room for re-introduction of its supportive characters who were introduced in Books 1 through 4 of the Dominion of Brothers series. While it is recommended that you read all of the books in the series, Books 1 and Book 4 are needed to be able to follow along with the least chance of encountering “holes” in information or plot.

~  *  ~  *  ~  *  ~  *  ~  *  ~



iTunes: https://goo.gl/V2uknM

Amazon: http://goo.gl/uSwS5U

Barnes&Noble: http://goo.gl/WbC0IM

Smashwords: https://goo.gl/YUW3zs

Goodreads: https://goo.gl/FjRbHC


                                                     EXCERPT:

“Did you come here to surrender to me?”
There was the question that frightened Paris the most.
Surrender.
He wanted Diesel. He was trembling, he wanted Diesel so exuberantly; had wanted him again and again ever since that night in New York. Only Paris wasn’t sure he could give into Diesel’s demands of submission like that ever again— and be his slave.
Paris could feel that little panic storm lighting up again. He’d not felt it since that time he sat in Dominus Trenton Leos’ office while Patronus ordered him to strip down and surrender his wallet and hotel key over to them. Once again, he could sense it crawling out from whatever deep hiding place he’d managed to stuff it away, like some keepsake in a trinket box long since forgotten.
He glanced down his body, watching as Diesel unzipped his slacks then peeled them open. He could make out a bit of the mischievous grin on Diesel’s face out of the corner of his eye as Diesel peered over Paris’ shoulder and gazed down to soak up the sight of Paris’ body, just as he himself had. All while Diesel’s firm hands carried on with an agenda— pushing all the way down into Paris’ briefs. Followed by fingers that snaked around the hardening flesh of Paris’ cock and began stroking him gently while he felt a much thicker and harder cock press against his backside.
Diesel’s hand moved farther down to cup his scrotum before returning to the erection that was growing fiercely behind the ever tightening fit of his clothes, made tighter by the present demand of Diesel’s hand fisting around his shaft. Another lick on his cheek, a caressing slide of his tongue with a tease of suction— taunting him. “Paris— tell me you want this—”
“Of course, I want you. That’s why I’m here.” Paris panted.
“But do you want to surrender to what I can give you?”
Paris shook his head— not that he didn’t want to submit, but he didn’t know what Diesel was offering to give. He was confused. Diesel had demanded he be his slave. Only, Paris wanted to be far more than that and that was even scarier for him. He’d never wanted to be with anyone, let alone stay with anyone before. But surrender and stay were not the same words.
Sex with Diesel would obliterate the ranks of any previous lover Paris had ever bed with. But it would be all the more painful when it was over. He wasn’t sure he could handle it; not again. It’d been hard enough the first time, not knowing the feelings he had. It had confused him— ruined him.
“What do you want, Paris? Do you want me to stay— do you want to feel my cock deep inside you?” Diesel’s hand pumped on him harder.
Damn, it was too much. Paris gripped his pants and shoved them down to release his cock, giving it over to Diesel’s fist. He couldn’t stop the moan that escaped once he was in the full grip of Diesel’s clutches. He dropped his head back on Diesel’s shoulder— fear and walls slipping to the seductive needs of a wanton manwhore— he was folding. How could he possibly escape this man? He couldn’t possibly refuse Diesel his service. Oh, he could surely trybut he did want Diesel inside him, wanted to be fucked like no other had ever fucked him. The first and only time such desires had scared Paris. Terrified him like no other. Yeshe could try, but not a night would pass before he’d find himself following the man around the island, licking at his boots for another chance to take him up on the offer. But dammit, he was the director of this place. How was he supposed to be the man in charge of the resorts special events and kneel at this man’s feet in front of everyone at the same time? The very question burned images in his mind of just how certain Paris was that Diesel had every intention to have him completely nude, exposed, and vulnerable in front of all eyes on the island. Paris knew he would not be spared or denied any of the resort’s tantalizing moments it had to offer, though they would be humiliating for him. Diesel would see to it Paris was delivered to him as a slave and then exploited and nurtured to the fullest satisfaction.
No.

He could not go through with it.


ABOUT THE TWINS
We Came— We Saw— and then we made it sexy.
And that's pretty much how the Twins came to write Erotic Romances and Dark Fantasies. Both Talon P.S. and Princess S.O. have been writing together since they were kids, always challenging and competing with each other, and always each other's biggest supporters.
Writing has always been an affair creating Fictions of Dark Apocalyptic Fantasy and Film Scripts in the Action/Drama and a few Sci-Fi's. It wasn't until they began an ancient history tale that the works turned to the Erotic Genre and they've been hooked ever since.
After a life time of gathering experiences, and honing their story telling skills, they have finally started putting them to novel size tales. Sadly, Talon passed away in 2012 leaving the books he started with his twin, entrusting her as his ghost writer, making her promise to see them completed before joining him.
So have those book moments ready, as Talon always says—

BOOK RELEASE ~ TOUR STOPS
Jan. 25 – Grace R Duncan http://www.grace-duncan.com
Jan, 26 – BDSM Book reviews http://www.bdsmbookreviews.com/home/
Jan. 27 – Blogger Girls http://thebloggergirls.com/
Jan. 28 – Love Bytes http://lovebytesreviews.com/
Jan. 29 – The Twins: Talon ps & Princess so http://talon-ps.com/
Feb 23rd – The Novel Approach http://www.thenovelapproachreviews.com/

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Guest cover reveal! Princess SO has a new book coming!

COMING OUT OCTOBER 13th!

IVAN vs IVAN

MM-Gay Romance/ Mature Men’s Romance / Industrial Blue-collar

Out here in the North Sea love usually passes a man by like a ship in the night. So it’s a nice surprise when the captain of the ship hired to transport Ivan’s platform rig into port for the winter might actually offer some unexpected non-business type amenities as well.
Ivan Voloshyn owns and operates the Marianna Shoal, a deep sea oil rig. It’s hard work and long days out in harsh weather. And he loves it that way. Because that’s what he knows. Seabeds— rigs— oil— and bad weather. He’s also about to find out the Norse Gods have a sense of humor. For who should it be to come riding in on the Sea Dock Heavy Lift ship? Another Ivan.

Captain Ivan Blažević knows who he is and what he wants, problem is he also know he can’t have it. Just because the rest of the world is coming out of the closet doesn’t mean every gay man can or should. Out here on the seas the weather can change in an instant. He needs to trust his crew to do their job, and their hostility towards gays would get in the way of that if he was ever found out.
Ivan-the rig-owner’s very presence threatens Blažević’s closet doors, nevertheless it’s hard to turn that away, because he wants him to.

Out here, the North Sea can change a man’s life— but hatred can take it away.


THE TEDDY BEAR COLLECTION
Their Plane from Nowhere
Big Spoon & Teddy Bear
Ivan vs. Ivan
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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Guess What? LM's Back!!!!

Influences

Aka: Am I a chicken?

Hello everyone.  First of all, thank you for having me here today to talk about the final book in my Heavenly Sins trilogy.  It has been a long time in coming, but it is finally available for those who want to read the conclusion of Tristan, Mac and Alastor’s story.

First of all, I have to warn that this blog post contains spoilers for the previous two books in the series.  I’m sorry, I do try to avoid putting spoilers in my blog posts, but for this book there is very little I can say about it that won’t reveal at least one spoiler.  It won’t reveal any major spoilers for the final instalment of the trilogy however.

One piece of advice writers are given is to write the story that you want to.  To write for yourself and not for the readers/market.  It is easier said than done.

When I was writing the final book of the Heavenly Sins series I came across a blog post on the well-known Jessewave site.  What I read there from the original blog writer and the readers who commented convinced me that the story I was writing had to be changed.  As a fairly new writer in the genre and one who does not have a following of fans, I couldn’t do anything else after I read that post.

Now, you may be wondering what it was that I had read that convinced me to take a scene from my story and re-write it totally.  It was a post about the role of women in MM and MMM fiction. 

It seems that there is no real role for women in the genre.  No matter where you put them in a story someone, somewhere, will complain.

If you put in an ex-girlfriend for one of the men then she has to be absolutely perfect.  The slightest hint that she is not 100% nice, then you get your book dumped in the category of the evil ex-girlfriend and the complaints start to come in.

Then there is the female friend of one of the men.  The character Summer in Forbidden Waters is one of those.  As a non-love interest or ex-girlfriend you would think she would be safe from criticism, but no.  She apparently annoyed one reviewer recently, which made me feel pretty bad since her personality is based largely on my own.  Nice to know I am that annoying. 

But the worst thing you can do – by far – seems to be to have any female in a MM or MMM book doing anything of a sexual nature.

In the first draft of Between Life & Death I was writing a scene which did that exact thing.  The original incubus and succubus play a part in the final book of this trilogy and in their first scene they do their best to test Tristan’s powers by using their own on him.  In fact they still do this, but their roles have been reversed to a certain extent. 

In the original draft the female succubus played a far more extensive role during their attempts to seduce Tristan.  The reason behind her taking the larger part in the scene was because they are well aware that Tristan is gay, and they want to know how powerful he is.

Is Tristan powerful enough to withstand a demonic seduction of a man who he finds attractive? 

Or is he so weak that a demoness can make him come, even when he does not find her sexually attractive?

Does he have the power to stay faithful to his lovers?

Or is he weak enough that he could be easily manipulated or overthrown from his precarious position in the Underworld?

My first instinct after reading the blog post about females in the genre was to remove the succubus entirely, not only from the scene, but also from the story.

It quickly became apparent this was not the best course of action.  The incubus and succubus are the two main demons of seduction in my series.  To have one without the other was not only impractical, it annoyed the hell out of me to alter my story to such an extent based on the opinions of readers who would probably never pick up any of my books anyway.

So I went back to that first scene and wrote Ardat Lili back in as a bystander.  It still didn’t work.   To ascertain the extent of Tristan’s powers it is essential that both the male and female demons have their turn at testing him. 

Finally I took the decision to write her back into the scene for the final version, albeit in a lesser role than she had played in the first draft of the scene.

I decided that despite the fact that it would annoy some readers – who probably won’t get past the first chapter of the final book – I would not completely re-write (and potentially ruin) the story I wanted to write, merely because of the opinions of those who only seem to be happy when they are criticising and picking fault with others.

Even so, I am still rather nervous about the reactions of even the most open-minded readers when they realise I have dared to include a half-naked female in the story.  If you are brave enough, there is a taste of the scene in question below.



Blurb
With one of his lovers imprisoned in the Underworld, Mac has no choice except to go where most angels fear to tread.
With Tristan imprisoned in the Underworld, the ménage is broken. Angels are forbidden to enter the demonic domain and while Mac has been breaking rules in recent months, he doesn’t have the power to enter the Underworld.
Alastor is still unsure about his position in the relationship following recent revelations, but he cannot walk away when he is the only real link between his two lovers. Splitting his time between Mac and Tristan, he hopes they can soon find a way to reunite the two men in his life.
As time moves on, Alastor realizes he is struggling to satisfy Tristan’s thirst for sex. His lover needs more than he can give him and craves Mac in his bed.
Mac still believes he can complete his mission to save his two lovers, but with one of them out of his reach, it is going to be far from easy.
During their time together they have made plenty of enemies, including one who would seek to separate them forever, even if it means biding his time until Alastor and Tristan are at their most vulnerable, when even the love of an angel can’t save them.
Excerpt

The two demons drew closer as Tristan watched them intently. Something about their movements set his pulse racing. The incubus wore a kilt which reached to his knees. Tristan could see his erection even from halfway across the room. The succubus was even more scantily dressed, her beaded skirt reaching her ankles, though covering very little. She wore a necklace which hung between her bare breasts and her arms were adorned with golden bands. Other than those ornaments, her upper body remained entirely naked. The two of them gracefully glided across the room and sank to their knees. Beneath his tunic, Tristan’s cock hardened in response to their presence.
“Talented, aren’t they?” Lucifer commented. “They can turn you on with only a glance.”
“Can you make them stop it?”
“Why would I want to do that? I find being in their company most pleasurable.”
“I find it quite inappropriate myself.”
“You’re a sex demon. Showing your virility is a good thing, especially since there are already rumors flying round the Underworld about your impotency.”
“I’m not impotent.”
“As everyone will see when they approach you,” Lucifer pointed out with a grin.
The two demons before him kept their heads bowed and remained silent the entire time during Tristan’s telepathic exchange with Lucifer.
“Well, say something, for goodness sake,” Lucifer ordered.
“Like what?”
“Thank them for coming, ask how they are, exchange sex stories for all I care, but say something so they know you’re aware of their presence.”
“Um, hi,” Tristan mumbled. “I’m Tristan.”
Ardat looked up from her place at his feet and smiled. “One of our kind has never sat on the throne before. Today is a momentous day for all sex demons. May I approach you?”
Tristan nodded and the succubus stood up. When she reached the throne, she immediately straddled him and ran her hands down his chest, tweaking his nipples through the thin fabric of the tunic and flicking them with her nails.
“Er…” Tristan began. Would it be an insult to her to say she really wasn’t his type?
“I know exactly what you’re thinking right now,” Ardat whispered in his ear. “It makes no difference if you prefer to share your bed with men. I can make any man come with just the right touch.”


Buy Links


Coming to other online stores in January 2015.

Bio

L.M. Brown lives in England, in a quaint little village time doesn't seem to have touched. No, wait a minute—that's the retirement biography. Right now, she is in England in a medium sized town no one has ever heard of, so she won't bore you with the details. Keeping her company are numerous sexy men. She just wishes they weren't all inside her head.

L.M. believes there is nothing hotter or sweeter than two men in love with each other… unless it is three.

L.M. Brown loves hearing from readers so don't be shy.

Links

Where to find L.M. Brown
Twitter - @LMBrownAuthor

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Guess What? LM Brown brought us One Perfect Wish *squeals*






The Ever-Changing Ending

To say the ending of One Perfect Wish was a long time in coming is putting it mildly.

I like my characters to have happy endings – well, most of the time – but every now and then I really make them suffer.  My free read Anything (found on my blog) is one such example.  When I first started writing One Perfect Wish I had every intention of putting my characters through hell and leaving them there. 

I wanted to write something with a bittersweet ending rather than a traditional happy ever after.

I should have known better.

Despite my best intentions of making them suffer and then delivering the killing blow to end the story, I found myself wavering.

The more words I put on the page, the less likely it was that a bittersweet ending was going to be on the cards.

I like to make my characters work for their happy endings and goodness knows I make them suffer.  But usually it is with the knowledge that once they have earned their reward they get to live happily ever after with the man of their dreams.

As I wrote Scott and Cameron's story I almost immediately started looking for a way out of the bittersweet ending I envisaged for the two of them.  It wasn't long before I had thrown the tear-jerker ending idea into the trash and was leaning towards a hopeful ending.  Not a happily ever after, but at least something less depressing than the notes on the first draft.

For the hopeful ending I did at least get it written and it actually still is a part of the story.  Yet it isn't the end.  I couldn't bear for my two boys to not get their happy ending and ended up carrying on writing their story after the scene that I intended to be the end of the story.

On and on I wrote until Scott and Cameron did get their happily ever after. 

One day I will, hopefully, manage to write that bittersweet ending story and make sure that it doesn't end up with a traditional ending simply because I can't bear to leave my characters unhappy.  I strengthen my resolve to do this every time I see a reviewer call one of my stories “predictable” and one day I know I will have to bite the bullet and write that tear-jerker that will throw everyone for a loop. 

I think, however, that when I do that it will need to be a regular contemporary/historical story.  When you write paranormal it is far too easy to undo the disaster you have inflicted on your characters with a wave of the "magic wand". 

Now, I imagine there are some people thinking that this blog post is mighty spoilery for the story since – horror of horrors – you know Scott and Cameron end up together at the end.  I don't see it that way.  If a story does have an unhappy ending then most publishers put up a warning for the bittersweet ending right there on the product page.  This story does not have one of those, so of course it will have a happy ending.

If you want to know how they achieve it then get your copy of One Perfect Wish.

One Perfect Wish by L.M. Brown

Blurb

Playing the part of another man’s husband to fulfil a wish is easy, but what happens at midnight when the magical day is over?

Scott Baxter is a workaholic with no time for love, until a djinn pulls him out of his life and deposits him into the bed of Cameron Kirk. Cut off from his life, Scott isn’t happy about the idea of being forced to help the djinn grant an unspecified wish, but he soon finds he has no real choice in the matter. The djinn, who has turned his life upside down, has powers that prevent Scott from leaving and ensure he does nothing to ruin Cameron’s day with his ‘husband’.

Reluctant at first, Scott finds that as the day progresses he starts to enjoy playing the role of Cameron’s husband. He connects with his unexpected lover in a way he never has with other men.

Scott searches for clues to help him track down Cameron after the day is over and he returns to his own life. He doesn’t want the day to end, but the wish is out of his control and when the magic is finished his time with Cameron may be over too.

Excerpt

Scott Baxter woke with a strange feeling something wasn’t quite right. Half asleep and with his eyes still closed, he tried to figure out what could be different. The bed seemed too soft and far more luxurious than the cheap hotel mattress he vaguely recalled crashing on the night before. A thick duvet covered him and he could feel warmth similar to the heat that usually came from another body close up against him. He couldn’t recall ever waking in a hotel with such contentment as he felt this morning.

After working nearly forty-eight hours straight, he had flown back to England on the red eye, practically sleepwalked to a taxi, and had finally fallen into bed exhausted. Long overdue for a break, he told himself he’d take one after his latest consulting project had been completed. He told himself the same thing every time, even though he knew his boss would have another job lined up for him before the final work had been finished on this one.

“Morning,” a sleepy voice murmured into his ear.

Scott froze. His unexpected bedmate moved and Scott noticed he had some serious morning wood pressed against his arse.

He opened his eyes. Only his companion’s arm wrapped around Scott’s chest stopped him falling out of bed from the shock. Had the relentless pressure of his job finally caused him to snap?

The hotel room had vanished and instead he appeared to be in someone’s house. The drapes over the patio doors had been pulled back and a snow-covered garden stretched toward a frozen pond. Light snow fell from the cloudy sky. The landscape outside the doors seemed more like January than May.

“Scott, are you okay?”

Scott didn’t know what to say. Had he been drugged and kidnapped? And if so, why? He wasn’t anyone important and his family didn’t have the money to pay any ransom.

“Ah good, you’re awake,” a second voice said. Like the first, this voice also belonged to a man, though he seemed to have a slight accent Scott couldn’t place.

Scott wondered how many men he had climbed into bed with last night, before he saw the second speaker stood at the end of the bed with his arms folded across his bare chest. With baggy silk trousers and golden metal cuffs on his wrists, he could have stepped straight out of Arabian Nights.

“What the hell is going on?” Scott shouted as he tried to untangle himself from the arms of the man sharing his bed. His companion wasn’t exactly helping him and instead seemed to be frozen in place like a statue. He poked the man with a finger. His skin felt normal, yet the other man didn’t react at all.

“You’re here to fulfill a wish,” the man at end of the bed told him. “I’m a djinn and I’m here to explain your present situation.”

Scott stopped contemplating the statue man beside him. “Excuse me?”

The djinn nodded. “I’m sure you’ve heard of my kind. We grant wishes to those who summon us. Well, I’m here because someone wished for you.”

A headache started behind Scott’s eyes. He didn’t have time for this nonsense.

Buy Link


Bio

L.M. Brown lives in England, in a quaint little village that time doesn't seem to have touched. No, wait a minute—that's the retirement biography. Right now she is in England in a medium sized town that no one has ever heard of, so she won't bore you with the details. Keeping her company are numerous sexy men. She just wishes that they weren't all inside her head.

L.M. Brown loves hearing from readers so don't be shy.

Links

Where to find L.M. Brown
Twitter - @LMBrownAuthor


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Guess who came to visit? Mistress Otter brought a couple sweet bears...

BSTB promo poster with date Want to start off saying Thank to TN Tarrant for moving the furniture further out to make room for me and the big boys. Not that I needed the added space, but my Bears tend to break things if a path from the door to the sofa isn’t accommodating. And yeah, should have made more than on dish of the pumpkin bread pudding. What were you thinking? **shakes head**

ANYHOO, BIG SPOON & TEDDY BEAR IS OUT.

ALSO AT Smashwords / All Romance Ebooks And will be listed at Barnes & Noble and iTunes soon
It is the second story for the Teddy Bear Collection. The first being Their Plane from Nowhere which was released with Dreamspinner Press back in May. To tell you a little more than just the standard blurb on Big Spoon & Teddy Bear. It’s a first for me in the way of the entire story being told from just one Character’s point of view. The story actually started off as a short written for one of DSP’s anthology and was limited to no more than 12,000 words. And the entire story was launched on a question I had asked myself: “How would a story play out if one of its characters had Down’s Syndrome?”
Well the story teller fairy answered and Big Spoon & Teddy Bear was written in just two weeks. But as soon as it was submitted for review at DSP, the story was bucking and throwing fits in my head wanting to expand.
It’s funny how stories can have a life of their own, and a personality. In April the selection for the Bear Anthology was made and Big Spoon & Teddy Bear was not among them. Admittedly, there was an actual sigh of relief. The story, while is still a short, has grown some heavy fur like its characters and is now weight in over 35k. However there is also something else unique in this story for me, There is no heavy drama or conflict present, making it a soft read about a self-journey to finding a better spot for the MC to park his heart. It’s this journey I hope many readers will find themselves relating or connecting with that will still keep the story on a good, warm & fuzzy feel list.
BIG SPOON & TEDDY BEAR 500x700

Big Spoon & Teddy Bear

Princess so

MM-Gay Romance/ Mature Men’s Romance / Sports Fiction / Healing
For years Gage has been turning men into steel, athletes into warriors of strength, competitors into medalists. But Gage isn’t looking for any more empty trophies, he’s looking for something far more meaningful.
When Gage takes a new job at an old gym, he doesn’t expect his entire life to get a workout, just a change of pace. At first it doesn’t seem like much and about the only plus is the endless view of rugged and well worked man-candy in the form of weightlifters and Strongman competitors that he’d be training and working with. He figures he has it made the minute he walks in the front door in that sense. But in truth, it isn’t enough. He wants a place to set down roots. More importantly, he wants someone to take root with.
Because he’s gay, Gage had always been told to just be happy with what he got, but there’s something about Boomer. A quiet, towering mountain of a Bear that was the gym’s manager who has Gage hoping for more than just daydreaming about the large physique. And that alone promises to put a spark back into the life of a lonely, freckled ginger.
You’re never too old for a teddy bear, right?
THE TEDDY BEAR COLLECTION Their Plane from Nowhere Big Spoon & Teddy Bear Shagging the Dead {coming out in 2015} ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
teddy-bear-outline-hi

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Just the recent news... and an excerpt from Killian

So some of you know by now that I got laid off a few weeks ago.  It's been a scramble since.  Had a couple nice things happen, some of which I've posted about on Facebook, and one or two I haven't.  Had some not so nice things happen *glares out side at the snow and at the car* such as winter arrived all at once, and the car's starter decided to go out, along with the power steering pump issues I was already having...Why can't cars misbehave when you have the money to fix them?  I do still have a chance to transfer within my company, provided I can move, but they do not help with relocation costs, not even at management level. I am running out of time fast though, so I've been trying to raise money through a fund raiser site.  I'll post the link, so if you'd like to help, it will be easy for you to find.  Any help will be greatly appreciated...

http://www.gofundme.com/gwohwg

In more exciting news, A Not-So-Straight Christmas is due out for re-release on Dec 19th, from Fireborn Publishing; Liam and Jareth's stories, Absentminded Astrophysicist and Loving the Astrophysicist will be out around the same time I believe, from Dreamspinner Press, in a single tome, we're still finalizing the title.  I'll let everybody know what it is as soon as I'm sure. :D  Whispers from a Hidden World: Killian should also be out very soon, but I don't have a release date yet.

For those wanting a taste of Killian, here's a short excerpt:

He stumbled down the stairs. "My Lady?" he called. From down the hall, Killian stepped out, a concerned look on his face.
"What's the matter?"
Shiloh grabbed Killian's arm, careful out of habit not to touch skin. "Please, you must understand something important, my Lady.”
"Come sit in the study and talk to me then,” Killian said, leading him to the study. "What's the matter?" he asked when he got Shiloh seated.
"I'm a very strong touch-sensitive, my Lady.” Killian nodded. That ability was almost universally common among Rimalians, in varying degrees. "I usually avoid touching anyone, I just don't want to know what they're thinking or feeling.” Again, Killian nodded, that too, was normal. A psionic society learned early, ways to observe each other's privacy. "I've touched Anan a couple of times, a few times by accident, once deliberately. Sometimes I pick up things I don't realize at the time, it's like my mind just files it away, unless something triggers the memory. I just remembered why you seemed familiar, when we've never met. I've seen your face in Anan's memories. She hates you, my Lady. You have to watch yourself with her. I'm just a means to an end, no importance, but she absolutely despises you.”
"Number one, Shiloh, you are important. Don't ever let anyone make you feel any different. Do you understand me?" Killian waited until Shiloh nodded, a little dazedly. "Second, I know Anan hates me, as much as I've hated her.” He sighed, apparently thinking. "Have you seen Anan's scars?"
"Scars?"
"She was given fifty lashes, and fined reparations of seventy-five percent of her inheritance, for attempted rape.” Killian was quiet for a moment. "Of me.”

Shiloh sat there, stunned. And his mother had arranged for him to marry such a woman?!

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Depression, life, and working...don't always work well together....

So, I've struggled with whether or not to post this, for many reasons.  Some are mentioned within the post...others are more...nebulous. And things are better now than when I wrote it just a few short weeks ago.  I think it comes down to sometimes things aren't understood unless somebody says something...and i'm beginning to suspect I've been too silent too often in some areas.

So it's here, unedited, just as I wrote it, a little out of date for some things, but still...and if it helps you realize you're not alone, and you're not crazy and it's not in your head and you can't just "get over it," then good.


So I’ve been thinking about saying anything the past few weeks, on one hand, maybe it would help someone understand what people like me cope with, maybe remind someone like me that they aren't alone.  On the other hand, is going to just look like some drama queen wants attention?
I don’t have a bad life really.  I have beautiful child who if she has a few mental issues, they aren't the worst a parent would ever have to cope with.  Physically, she’s healthier than a horse.  She’s a good kid.   Recently she scared me when she didn't answer the phone when I called from work to check on her.  I asked a friend to go check on her and what was she doing?  She had the Wizard of Oz turned up so loud she couldn't hear the phone ringing.  Not many parents of 16 yr olds can say that.
I have a full time job.  The benefits suck, the hours suck, and the travel to and from my job sucks.  But it pays the outrageous rent, it keeps the lights on, puts gas in the car, buys food(not the most nutritious, but you eat what you can afford each payday, right?) It stable hours, and I can usually count on three or four days off every week.  Those twelve hour shifts have their uses, yeah?  Sometimes it even buys a few extras, like a trip to Devil’s Tower, or some DVDs or books.  It’s still payday to payday, but it’s not as thin as we’ve survived in the past.  Ramen noodle months are only a couple times a year.  It’s more than many have, and while the politics are making me more insane than normal, I’m still loathe to give up the stability and time off.  If I can make it to GRL, as I hope to in October, I don’t even have to worry about having to fight for the time off, I can just ask, and it’s mine.  Not many can say that, yeah?
I have my writing that I’m trying to build into a career.  Something that I can depend on not only to help me retain what’s left of  my sanity, but maybe someday will mean I never have a ramen noodle month  ever again.  Something that will mean I can spoil my kid with all the neat stuff out there, instead of wondering how the hell I’m going to buy at least three more pairs of jeans for her, so she doesn’t look like she dressed out of the mine rag bin when she goes to school.   I’ve got good publishers, Rooster and Pig, and Dreamspinner.  Fireborne is off to a good start, and I’m glad I’m going to be part of that.  I not only survived Silver Publishing, and the theft of my royalties, I may have even survived better than some, simply because I never worried about how I was going to pay the rent, thanks to that EDJ that drives me nuts.  I have a contract with DSP to re-release my first published book, Absent-minded Astrophysicist and its sequel, Loving the Astrophysicist later this year as a collection.  My series, Whispers From a Hidden World, with R&P, that I’ve been writing and working on for more than four years, is having it’s first release soon.  Moving Mountains, with DSP releases on Monday.  I’m starting over basically from the demise of Silver, but it’s a good start.  I learned a lot, and that’s not bad.  Rainbow Con was an absolute blast, I had a good time meeting so many people I only knew online.  Enjoyed spending time with Vicktor and Lor, and Willow the Wonder Dog, and Princess SO.  Made some new friends.  Enjoyed being used for demonstration purposes by Andrew Grey.  My cleavage came in handy for once.  A bit funny the only man to play with it in years is gay...
So why would I be depressed?  Why would I, almost as soon as I came home excited from my trip, having gotten several problems fixed, thanks to the networking, and panels and being able to talk to people in person, fall into that fucking hole? Why have I spent since May barely functioning, struggling to get through edits on time, and often failing, struggling to make it through work, unable to write anything, unable to stay awake for more than a few hours unless at work and that was only out of fear of losing the job? 
That’s a question that’s been asked a lot lately, with the death of Robin Williams.  What the fuck did HE have to be depressed about?  He had fame, money, great career, family that loved him.  Great life.
So what the fuck do I have to be depressed about?  Like I said. I don’t have a bad life.  I get by, better than many times in the past, and better than many others. 
There isn’t an actual answer.  It’s all mixed up in chemical imbalances in the brain and past history and current stresses.  Sometimes the answer is: Just fucking because. 
There’s really no other way to put it.
The last time I was this bad, my daughter wasn’t even three years old.  I passed my Section 8 housing inspection because the inspector felt sorry for me, and didn’t want to make things worse, not because my apartment was fit to live in.  The only time in my life where my sink was full of dishes covered in mold, because I could barely function enough to find food for my kid, let alone actually clean enough to safely cook.  It took nearly a year to climb out of that hole then.
It’s been three months this time.  I’m climbing out of the hole.  I knew and understood what was happening this time.  I’m mentally healthier to begin with this time.  Years of therapy, and just plain TIME. There were even people I could have reached out to.  My therapist wouldn’t have kicked me out, even though I’ve not been since April.  Even have meds in the cabinet that were supposed to help, but instead, the Prozac left me in desperate need of the Vicodin, because everything HURT worse.  So no Prozac for me, thanks, the depression physically hurts less. 
And yet the ONLY reason I didn’t swallow that entire pharmacy in my cabinet just called me at work to ask if she could make herself some chocolate milk while she watches the Three Stooges.  Maternal responsibility isn’t the worst reason not to commit suicide.  It’s not the best though.  I’m writing this literally because I have to stick around to make sure she eats every day.  But she won’t need me forever.  I almost care about what happens next time I have an episode this bad, and she’s NOT in the house any more.  But if I’m lucky, that’ll be another ten years or so.  And maybe in another month, I’ll actually care enough to try to plan ahead to deal with it if it happens. 
Depression doesn’t listen to logic.  It doesn’t listen to anything positive.  It only hears the negative.  Only remembers the negative.  It HURTS.  It makes your joints and muscles ache.  It destroys the progress you made in losing the 37 pounds you lost, piling back on 25, bringing your weight back dangerously close to three hundred pounds.  It makes you avoid anyone else, because as much as you might want to help, or listen, you can’t cope with the cesspool in your own head, let alone the drama going on in other people’s heads.  It even makes you forget to do things that might actually help, like going back to the therapist.  Or at least going to the ER and ask them to write the prescription for the Zoloft, since you can’t see your doctor, cause he retired, and you’ve not found a replacement.  It reminds you you can’t afford the expense of another hospital bill, because you can’t afford insurance either.  It reminds you of all the blocks, and you can’t understand it when someone tells you a way out.  It tells you nobody wants to hear it from the histrionic drama queen.
No trigger this time.  No unusual stress in my life. I’d even had a break from the stress in my life.
Just fucking because.
Chronic depression and PTSD have chemical and physical/emotional causes, but they don’t just go away.  Depression doesn’t go away just because somebody else doesn’t think it’s real, or that you have no reason to be depressed.  It doesn’t need a reason.  It’s generated out of chemical imbalances in the brain, that may be exacerbated the circumstances of one’s life.  It just happens.
Just fucking because.
And that’s why it’s hard to cope with.  You might KNOW, there’s no reason feel too tired to move, after you just slept for 18 hours.  You might KNOW, it’s not good for your health to eat half a loaf of bread, because you’re hungry, sort of, but you’re too tired and hurt too much to cook something better.  You might KNOW, that you have things pretty good, and there ARE one or two people in the world that will love you no matter what, and one of them is standing in the doorway, with a worried look on her face, because she’s old enough this time to realize something’s wrong, even if she doesn’t understand what it is.  But depression just is.  It doesn’t acknowledge these things.  It doesn’t recognize that there’s anything to be happy about.
So while I may be climbing out of the hole, I’m still in that fucking hole.  But I WANT to write again.  I need to again.  So that’s something.  I want to find out what’s going on with everybody, even if I don’t want to leave the house yet.  That’s something else.  I’m stalking my editor for edits that I’m not struggling with anymore.  In the long run, that’s better. 
There’s no cure. There’s no sign above our heads that says, “Depressed person, handle gently.” And just because we KNOW we’re depressed, doesn’t mean we can just…DO something about it.  It takes time and support to DO something about it, even when you understand what it is.  It takes time. 
Experience says it will pass, even though that nasty little voice is still whispering that it will never change, that nothing will get better, no matter what I do, so I might as well not bother. 
Experience says it WILL get better, just like we tell the kids being abused and neglected, trying to keep THEM from committing suicide.  Today I can say that.  Today I can write this. But two days ago, I didn’t want to crawl out of bed again.  And tomorrow might be the same way as two days ago.

I don’t have any advice except find whatever will get you through it, and won’t make it worse.  And try to remember when you felt like it would never pass and it finally did.  Try to believe the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an oncoming train.  Even if you can only believe that for an hour.  Then try to believe that hour is one hour closer to when it will finally pass.